What's the black thing under their eyes for?
What's that heavy material up their butts? To keep their crack from showing?
Why's all that material wrapped around their arms?
Staps on his biceps are digging a hole in his arm.
I bet it really hurts to wear that plastic cup.
What is the point? They flip a coin at the beginning, it hits the ground and then for two hours they're trying to "get the quarter back"?
I used to be quite a fan of college football, especially on Saturday afternoons in the fall. I haven't watched it much the past few years, for my Beloved Beautiful Better Half has, well, zero interest in sports. You know the saying "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"? Okay, I try to do the right thing. But switcheroo! Saturday she made an effort to "help me watch football." And thus the observations in the opening lines here.