The Missus Loves Watermelon

Pickup truck parked beside highway. Sunny, 90 degrees. Watermelon! Stop the scooter!

Muy grande! Mexico!
How much?
Ten dollah
Muy grande, indeed.

500 yards down the road, muy grande, Mexico, five dollah. Purchase!

Music in the 21st Century

"Oh, please shut that off." said Mrs. Warr. "He makes Johnny Cash sound like a melodic wonder."

Yes. She was right. Where do these people get off, placing their fingers across the frets, whacking the thing like a drum, atonally accompanying the noise with caterwaulering, and calling it "music"?

Hollywood's Self-Aggrandizement

In record time. The Oscars ended at 10:38 CST, meaning it lasted less than forever. And since the ten o'clock news had just ended (on another channel which we watched all evening) we tuned to whichever network got stuck with was carrying the Oscars just in time to hear someone say, "I want to thank Billy Wilder, and I want to thank Billy Wilder, and I want to thank Billy Wilder." Whoever that is.

Night, All!

To Shop or Not to Shop

After they had been in the produce section for many minutes, Herkimer pushed on ahead with the cart. Finally, after selecting some bread, he looked back and Tildy was staring at a carrot display. He ambled back that way, and she said, "Stop running off with my cart!"

Herk said, "All you are doing is strolling past things, staring at the produce."

Tildy, fixed him with "the look" and said, "It's called shopping, Herkimer!"

(Herkimer spent the rest of the morning strolling around the store by himself, looking at stuff. Tildy bought the groceries.)

We Need Will Rogers Today

Yesterday I promised a sampler of Will Rogers' wit.

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggie' until you can find a rock."

"Our constitution protects aliens, drunks, and U.S. Senators."

"There's no trick to being a humorist when you've got the government working for you."

To which I say, Well, nowadays the government is not working for me so much as I am working for the government. That's not funny.

Meme, Me...

The principal idea behind "Bob Warr" is to present notions tersely, almost cryptically, a few lines at most, one sentence even better. But I was tagged with a meme by Lin and I cannot in good graces fail to accept the dare. Here it is, notwithstanding the response uses up two month's worth of words. It's like a four-strand bob warr fence around two sections of land.

1. Describe yourself in 7 words:

Prickly

Endearing

Reliable

Funny

Elderly

Contrary

Testy

2. What keeps you up at night?
I gave that up 40 years ago after a four-month bout with insomnia that tried to kill me.

Eleven to seven, asleep!

3. Who would I like to be?
Will Rogers.* The man could say anything in one sentence, and get away with it. Oh, wait. He's dead; I think I'd rather be me.

4. What am I wearing now?
Blue Wranglers, red T-shirt, black socks, no shoes. Skivvies? Unlike Bill Clinton, I'll never tell.

5. What scares me?
Not much. Snakes evoke a primal fear reflex, but they don't scare me. Haven't much substance for them to sink their fangs into, so to speak.

6. The best and worst of blogging:
The best: interacting with other bloggers; the joy of constructing a pleasing article. The worst: the feeling of "having" to post something. That's an unnecessary compulsion. Do it for fun, or don't do it.

7. The last website I visited:
Seattle Times Comics. Everything I ever needed to know I learned from the funnies.

8. What is the one thing I would change about myself?
Why would I change what I like? Okay, truth:

I would be a little more real, less ephemeral; not so much a figment of vanilla's imagination.

9. Slankets: yes or no?
Say what? I try to make Mrs. Warr believe that I know everything, but this one stumps me.

10. Tell us something about the person that tagged you.

I know Lin only from her blog "Duck and Wheel with String." I hope someday to meet her and Joe in person. She is an excellent writer. She is a fiercely devoted wife and mother, and servant to her cats. Hobbes the Cat is, in fact, so in charge that a full day each week is devoted to him on Duck and Wheel, and he is mentioned frequently on days that do not start with "Thurs." Lin can dance until dawn, laugh until the stars fall. She skewers idiots mercilessly, but in spite of their impinging on her life at work, at school, on the roads, and next-door, she keeps both her cool and her sense of humor! And if you are in need, she will give you the shirt off Joe's back.

*Visit Thursday for a couple of pithy quotes from Will Rogers.

Right On, John

In my experience, warm fuzzies are like lice, bedbugs or a herpes infection. People who have them ought to get treated before they infect the rest of us. --John Cowart, on Rabid Fun.

Short List

"Tildy's always telling me I don't know how to have fun," Herk whined. "Today, she said the only two things on my bucket list are 'eat' and 'sleep.'"

Mrs. Warr says my third item is "playing computer."

Borrowed from

a friend on facebook who no doubt borrowed it from someone else.

Breaking News: The pity train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck it Up & Move On and crashed into We All Have Problems before coming to a complete stop at Get the Hell Over It. Any complaints about how we operate can be forwarded to 1-800-WAA-WAAA. This is Dr. Sniffle reporting live from Quitchur Bitchin’.

The Perfect Life

Okay, the down-side to the receipt of the precious rain. Here we are, cooped up in this space— eighty square feet of floor space, a booth, a chair and a bed. Well, stove and sink, but who is going to sit in or on those?

Herk's Hair and Tildy's Tease

I was stripping the library table which will go behind our couch when it is finished. Herkimer strolled in unbidden, as is his wont.

"Women," he said. "That Tildy, man, I don't know what she wants." I grunted, "Ungh," which gave him all the encouragement he needed to proceed.

"Ever since we've been married, she's been on me about how I dress, about my hair. If I let the hair dry naturally, she says, 'Put some gel in it., then go like this.' So this morning she saw me standing in front of the mirror, putting gel in my hair, running my fingers through it just like she showed me. She looked at me and said, 'You sure are vain, aren't you?' What the heck?!"

Clearly

Chrchcurmudgeon posted this to Twitter:

This year's halftime entertainment is just two years away from getting a discount on a Filet-o-Fish and a cup of coffee.

47 Varieties

While watching a clip on TV of a very clever dog performing cute tricks, The Missus said, “Those Heinz 47 dogs are often smarter than the purebreds.” I had heard her use the expression a few days ago, but I did not want to correct her in front of others; but in the privacy of the kitchen, I said, “That would be Heinz 57.” She replied, “Well, it was only 47 when I was young.” Yikes! I am married to a woman so old she can remember when Heinz had only 47 varieties. Double yikes. I am older than she.