Herkimer for the Homerun

I had a hot little fire going in the wood stove; keeps the workshop quite cozy.  Had just settled into the lounger, had the ballgame, sound muted, on the telly.  Heard the door hinge behind me s-k-r-a-w-k and that is why I don't oil the thing-- alerts me to the pending disturbance.

Herkimer came in, stamping his feet, slapping his hands together.  "When will this winter be over?" he whined.

"About six weeks," I said.  "What's with the long face?"

"That woman!  Can I hang out here awhile?  She's all bent out of shape."

Now I know that Tildy can get "bent out of shape," and I also know that in most instances Herk precipitates the crisis.   "What did you do now?"

"You always have to take her side, assume I'm in the wrong."

"I'm not taking sides.  Anyway, who spends a lot of his time in my warm man-cave? What'd ya do?"

"Okay," says Herk, "lunch over and we are sitting at the table, she is setting up her pills in one of those little by-the-week containers.  She dumps a few tablets on the table and proceeds to break each one in two.  'What?' says I.  'Are those the pills for a woman who is only half-crazy?'"

"Pull up a crate and have a seat, Herk.  But when the fire burns out, you're out of here and on your own."

Paint and Palaver

I was weeding along the side of the house.  I had noticed that Herk and Tildy were at their front entryway with paint and brushes.  Projects they attempt to do together seldom turn out well.

As time passed, I could hear some back-and-forth, but I could not make out their conversation.  Until, that is, I heard:


Herk:  *blah blah, something*  Bwahahaha!

Tildy: Just shut up and paint!

Herk:  I wish you had a sense of humor!

Tildy:  I wish you had some sense!

Concrete Facts about Cement

...then he heard the elderly lady say, "concrete, cement.  It's all the same to me."

"Just yesterday," Bob said, "I had that discussion with the Missus.  When you add water and aggregate to cement you get concrete.

"Whatever," the lady said.

"Exactly," said the Missus.

Then the old guy to his left asked, "You've been married how long, and you don't know you are wasting your breath?"

Mrs. Warr Responds

Trying?  Try living with a man!

Bob's Testimony

The only thing more trying than living with a woman is trying to live without one.

Peanut Butter Cookies

Herkimer walked into the garage just as the belt sander wound down.

Herk said, I baked peanut butter cookies last night, cleaned up in the kitchen and everything. Cookies were good, too.

Where are mine? I asked.

Tildy told me, Herk continued as though I had said nothing, "They're not as good as mine." What's with that? Didn't stop her from eating four of 'em before she went to bed.

Herk, I said, it's an all around win for Tildy, and you win, too, if you just eat cookies and keep quiet. And agree with her; maybe she'll bake next time!

Herk offered me his recipe. Thanks, I said. You used the one on the Jif jar, didn't you?

Home Alone

I placed Mrs. Warr's overnight bag in the car, turned and kissed her goodbye.  She was on her way to spend a couple of days with her daughter a couple hours away.

Two hours later, phone rings.  "Hi, Honey.  Just wanted to tell you I got here okay!"

Kissing is pleasant, but that is love.

(No smart-aleck comments today.)

Okay

Mrs. W. (watching a guy on TV back a car in a narrow alley):  I wish I could back like that.

Bob:  You do tend to wander off the drive.  Use your mirrors!

Mrs:  I do; but they don't tell the truth.

Bob:  Well, then, take it VERY slow.

Did ---

You did so.
No, I didn't.
Did too.
Did not.
Yes, you did.
I didn't say that.
Did so.
Did not.
Good night, John Boy.
Good night, Mary Ellen.

And so's the tack hammer.

Where's the tape-measure?
Right in the drawer where it always is.
Which drawer?
The utility drawer in the kitchen.
Oh.

Decor

Herk:  There I've got the toilet seat replaced.

Tildy:  You put a white seat on a cream-colored bowl.

Herk:  Yeah?

Tildy:  That'll have to be changed.

Herk:  You'll get used to it.

Tildy: No.

Herk: Then you'll have to learn to live with it.

Grocery Store

Pushed the shopping cart alongside Mrs. W for twenty minutes. "Well," she said, "I think that's it, then." She took the cart. I walked on ahead. Farther and farther ahead. I stopped at the head of the checkout tier. Leaned against product boxes. Looked at time. Looked at other shoppers. Looked down the aisle for the Missus.

Twenty-two minutes. After she had pronounced it finished.

(Further irrelevancy: There were seven items on the list. There were twenty-seven items in the cart. "So?" she said. Will I ever learn? I have a real ID ten tee problem.)

To Shop or Not to Shop

After they had been in the produce section for many minutes, Herkimer pushed on ahead with the cart. Finally, after selecting some bread, he looked back and Tildy was staring at a carrot display. He ambled back that way, and she said, "Stop running off with my cart!"

Herk said, "All you are doing is strolling past things, staring at the produce."

Tildy, fixed him with "the look" and said, "It's called shopping, Herkimer!"

(Herkimer spent the rest of the morning strolling around the store by himself, looking at stuff. Tildy bought the groceries.)

Short List

"Tildy's always telling me I don't know how to have fun," Herk whined. "Today, she said the only two things on my bucket list are 'eat' and 'sleep.'"

Mrs. Warr says my third item is "playing computer."

Herk's Hair and Tildy's Tease

I was stripping the library table which will go behind our couch when it is finished. Herkimer strolled in unbidden, as is his wont.

"Women," he said. "That Tildy, man, I don't know what she wants." I grunted, "Ungh," which gave him all the encouragement he needed to proceed.

"Ever since we've been married, she's been on me about how I dress, about my hair. If I let the hair dry naturally, she says, 'Put some gel in it., then go like this.' So this morning she saw me standing in front of the mirror, putting gel in my hair, running my fingers through it just like she showed me. She looked at me and said, 'You sure are vain, aren't you?' What the heck?!"

47 Varieties

While watching a clip on TV of a very clever dog performing cute tricks, The Missus said, “Those Heinz 47 dogs are often smarter than the purebreds.” I had heard her use the expression a few days ago, but I did not want to correct her in front of others; but in the privacy of the kitchen, I said, “That would be Heinz 57.” She replied, “Well, it was only 47 when I was young.” Yikes! I am married to a woman so old she can remember when Heinz had only 47 varieties. Double yikes. I am older than she.

Red Socks

Much as I love her, sometimes the Little Lady makes it difficult for me to "just be Bob."
Sunday, I put on my nicest suit, the one she picked for me, the beautiful shirt, she picked for me, and a pair of red socks, I picked for me. She said, "Change those socks. Why must you go out of your way to look like a dork?"

(I wore the socks, and I'm not apologizing.)

"I" Never Learn

She: No, I don't remember what we were arguing about.
I: Everything's okay then?
She: That's not what I said.

Herk's Neighbors

I thought the Bittermans had their problems. Then at the New Year's Eve party the other night, I overheard my wife tell Tildy, "Bob may not be the most handsome or swiftest guy on earth, but he's mine."

I hope she wasn't complaining.

Peace

Christmas Day. Just Spouse and I, a Scrabble game and Christmas music. I feel so liberated! No frenetic activity; no gorging indiscriminately; no hordes of people, squabbling kids, bickering adults. Ah! Peace on Earth, at least on this little patch of it.