Monday, January 30, 2012

Red Socks

Much as I love her, sometimes the Little Lady makes it difficult for me to "just be Bob."
Sunday, I put on my nicest suit, the one she picked for me, the beautiful shirt, she picked for me, and a pair of red socks, I picked for me. She said, "Change those socks. Why must you go out of your way to look like a dork?"

(I wore the socks, and I'm not apologizing.)


While sitting on the bench at Wal-Mart waiting for a script to be filled, I got to watching the people. I thought about “The People of Wal-Mart” forwards I get via email. Then I realized, “My spats and gaiters! I am the people of Wal-Mart."

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Well, Yes

They spend so much time being stupid its ironic they have time to put on their pants in the morning.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Blond Preacher Lady

As is not my wont (or, as is my "won't") I inadvertently tuned to a station broadcasting a sermon by a blond preacher woman just in time to hear her say (I am not making this up), "We must not go on livin' life blondly."

She got that right; needs some serious attention from a good hairdresser.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Commercial TV. Again.

Announcer (stentorian voice): One in every four people in the Valley suffers from hemorrhoids!

I: (laughing almost uncontrollably): Bwahahaha, etc.

(Why did I do that? That's not funny.)

Friday, January 20, 2012

Truth in Spending

Minnesota Mike (feeding quarters into the washing machine): This place takes your money faster than the casino!

I: True. But you get more back.

Mike: Eh, for sure. (laughs)

Mrs. Mike: Too true. (also laughs)

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Excellent Advice

Even a smart-aleck cannot be sarcastic or flippant all the time. This advice I read today is too good not to pass on; too good not to follow.

Don’t waste your time listening to false praise or distorted criticism. The praise will go straight to your head and the criticism will go directly to your heart. Both will lead you astray and both will damage the work God is doing in you and through you. --Pete Wilson, on his blog Without Wax.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Sunday Evening News

The ten o'clock news reader said,
"The robber crashed open the display case at the XYZ Jewelry store in the ABC mall just before nine o'clock this morning. Security cameras both in the store and on the parking lot captured clear images of the thief as he ran to his car with $25,000 worth of necklaces and bracelets, to make his getaway.

Police will be unable to pursue leads before Tuesday, as Monday is an official holiday, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day."


Corpus Christi CBS affiliate, January 15, 2012. Edited by me to fit the space alloted.
You can't make this stuff up.
And if my arithmetic is correct, assuming the police "start work" right after coffee and donuts on Tuesday morning, the robber will have had a full forty-eight hours in which to make his escape to ??? One could get to Australia in less than half the time, if he had advance reservations.

Sunday, January 15, 2012


Today was spent exactly as a "day of rest" should be spent. We rested. Hallelujah!

Friday, January 13, 2012

"I" Never Learn

She: No, I don't remember what we were arguing about.
I: Everything's okay then?
She: That's not what I said.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Got that Right!

Iran: Keep your carrier out of the Gulf. We're not in the business of warning you more than once.

US: Our ships will go anywhere we choose.

I am not a bellicose individual; yet there always comes a point where enough is enough.

Herk's Neighbors

I thought the Bittermans had their problems. Then at the New Year's Eve party the other night, I overheard my wife tell Tildy, "Bob may not be the most handsome or swiftest guy on earth, but he's mine."

I hope she wasn't complaining.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Kyuk, Kyuk

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. When they were almost there they saw a sign, Disneyland left. They turn around to go back home, crying.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Hang on!

Newscaster: "A new study shows that the middle class is the new poor."

Why is anyone surprised? They can only be surprised because they had their heads in the sand during the entire calendar year 2008 and had zero concept of the meaning of the term "fundamental change."